Political correctness has risen to a smothering, generic tidal wave of late, flooding all edgy, quirky commentary with a pervasive wave of blandness so all-encompassing that it threatens to shame, stifle and smother even the most mildly off-center opinions if they don’t conform to an increasingly predictable and flavorless norm. Whew. What brought this on? As I chatted with a gleefully-retired former colleague at our gym, the Donald came up. Yes, that Donald. The erstwhile Republican “contender” who dared to speak his mind regarding immigration in a colossal foot-in-mouth diatribe that left his viewers breathless with outrage and scrambling their twitter feeds like so many F-16s. While Trump’s candidacy is little more than joke fodder, his willingness to put himself on the chopping block for such a vibrant display of public vilification hints that he’s hiding platinum-encrusted balls in those “hecho en Mexico” Trump fat pants. After all, the other Donald (not Duck, Sterling ) was dragged into the Roman arena as lion food by his much-victimized Prada-wearing, Ferrari-driving Delilah when he failed to pay enough to make her go away. When the juggernaut of media backlash, tongue-lashing and reputation-flogging that ensued had finished with the limp-sailed Clipper captain, he’d lost all but a few greasy team T-shirts and a couple of deflated stadium chairs. Back to the gym where my friend basked in his newly-found freedom to jump off and flip the bird at the overloaded  bandwagon of rainbow flag-waving kumbaya-singing celebrants on which Big Brother rules of correctness are enforced through threats of joblessness and social pariah-hood. I had recently seen one of my favorite comediennes, Jen Kirkman, at a popular seedy nightclub. He laughed at the venue and told me he understands why the edgy comic chose to play to a crowd that wouldn’t be easy to offend. He told me that most comics won’t do standup on college campuses anymore because they are afraid of offending the wrong trust fund kid who will wage a twitter war and destroy their careers. He is right, of course, and free to be.

Thus, out of the conversation emerged these seven “New Office Rules” for maintaining popularity and scoring in the New Age of Kumbaya:

1. Write and speak using the passive voice only. Instead of “Juan in accounting once owned an ironic Southern Cross beret,” say “Southern Cross berets were once iconic hipster-wear owned by accountants who didn’t pay attention in U.S. History classes.”
2. Create non-specific euphemisms to refer to all humans, never using identifying traits which might indicate latent recognition of race (i.e., racism). Instead of: “The Circle K by my house was robbed by a tall, overweight white man,” say, “The Circle K was relieved of its generous beer inventory by an XY-chromosomed human being obviously suffering from PTSD with two legs and arms and in possession of one head.”
3. Never say or write, “I think.” Instead, deflect all personal responsibility for any and all opinions with “Some say Big Macs might cause obesity,” or “A $20 million government study of (insert the opinion topic) determined that (cherry-pick anomalous data that supports your personal opinion).” Being data-driven is always correct.
4. Listen politely to all who have the floor, and nod sympathetically whenever the speaker alludes to any sort of victimization. Agreeing with the uncorroborated accusations of outraged victims, especially regarding campus rape or police brutality, is almost always politically correct, no matter what the body cams show. You might even score a Rolling Stone cover story.
5. Dissenters, no matter how well-studied in their opinions, are headed down the Sterling road to a Unabomber cabin in upstate New York. Never disagree with a co-worker wearing a yarmulka, fez, bonnet, or beret (unless unfortunately decorated, see above).
6. Loudly and publicly crow about your support for popular causes, such as Single Cuban Transgendered Parents of Disabled Youth. Change your facebook profile picture to reflect solidarity with colo-rectal cancer-suffering Bangladeshi refugees.
7. Wear ribbons, wristbands, prayer scarves and other public displays of awareness at meetings or when trying to score at a bar. Tearing up is especially effective in the latter situation.

If these seven rules help advance your career in even the smallest way, let me know. I think I’m too late for these two.