http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/61162/wisecracks/

Since a Walmart recently moved into my central Tucson neighborhood after handily defeating the neighborhood association and its weak little legal team, I recently became aware of Walmart as a driving social force. Approaching the gargantuan, intimidating building late at night, one can see why. Police cars, formerly rare in this area, patrolled the perimeter. In the parking lot, a new and unfamiliar population rolled out of their cars. They weren’t from these parts.

 The sociological trend that is known as “People of Walmart” has become a galvanizing political litmus test. The website, a compilation of pictures and videos taken at Walmart stores across the nation, reveals a hodge-podge of obesity, too much flesh, horrible ink, frightening hair, bizarre fashion choices, and truly creepy public behavior. It is also raw, uncensored, and voyeuristic.  I have to admit that on bad days, I sometimes look at the site and somehow feel better. I am ashamed to admit that the people of Walmart make me feel grateful, healthy, and well-adjusted. The images become emblazoned into one’s consciousness like the aftermath of a bad auto accident, though, and it can’t be positive to put that stuff into one’s head.  The photos are grouped into categories such as the self-explanatory “wisecracks,” “Bad Grandpas,” and “Is it a Costume?” Sometimes I laugh so hard I nearly choke, and others I feel awful for even looking.

Back to the Walmart People political litmus test.  Most who hate the website seem to be liberal democrats who believe that the People of Walmart are victims of exploitation to some extent. After all, the shoppers appear to be largely unaware of their online infamy, although part of the site’s allure is the visitor’s incredulity that Walmartians actually venture out in public like that. The WMP liberals are disgusted with the snarky comments, which they view as cruel bullying. Those who are put off by the site believe that given enough education, health care, and access to Section 8 and EBT cards, those leopard thong wearing grandmas would turn their lives around and start shopping at Trader Joe’s. Political correctness dictates that we smile and nod at the 6-foot “woman” in the taffeta prom dress and combat boots who needs a stomach bra instead of quietly whipping out our camera phones. 

Conversely, those who enjoy the site effusively are often right wing republicans. Their sympathy doesn’t extend far beyond their front doors, and pointing out the flaws of others is a valid self esteem builder.  WMP proponents believe that Walmartians, seeing the disgusted reaction to their blatant cellulite exposure, might actually get a wakeup call and cover it up, reel it in, or tone it down. Those who celebrate Walmart as a driving cultural force believe that art reflects life, not vice versa.

Of course, “normal” peeps shop at Walmart, but we can all identify the real “Walmart people” when we see them. I felt compelled to examine just what it is that makes WMP so compelling, and I’ve come up with the Creed of Walmartians.

1. Be proud. True Walmart People sport comb-over dreadlocks with panache, parade hot air balloon-sized stomachs, and free-ball  and free-boob with the deepest “IDGAF” swagger.
2. Be uneducated. Walmart People by and large aren’t college grads, which should be obvious in the first place because simply shopping at Walmart implies a certain gritty desperation most high earners simply don’t possess.
3.  Be trashy. Walmartians are not afraid to flaunt their fetishes, advertise their availability, and send out overt messages celebrating their choice of proclivities and positions.
4. Be uncivilized. Walmart People don’t let a prudish sense of privacy, respect, or decency keep them down. They sock it to the Man who would have them cover their paunches, comb their hair, and require them to cover those lumpy biscuits.
5. Perform Bodily Functions in Public. Walmartians fart, burp, defecate, urinate, catheterize, masturbate and regurgitate in full public view. They do, in fact, celebrate these functions and ridicule those who would step on their freedoms by urging them to make their business private.

The abovementioned Creed, also a personal reality check for those suspecting genetic links to Duck Dynasty, is my own creation and does not reflect the values, beliefs, or ethics of the contributors to Walmart People.com.