Gossip is a vaguely shameful dish which, like over-processed, pink slime-ridden fast food, should be consumed only rarely. It causes stomach ache, bloating, and indigestion while providing a false sense of fulfillment. Regular consumers of gossip soon find themselves inexplicably empty after a particularly messy feeding frenzy.

A good friend of mine, an accomplished lady entrepreneur with sharp business acumen, charisma, and, most importantly, a warm heart, recently stayed with me a few days while she was in town for a trade show. One of the reasons I enjoy her company so much is that our conversations seldom stray into gossip. She has interests and passions similar to mine, and we don’t have time to slander and henpeck. Similarly, most movies that don’t pass the Bechdel Test don’t interest me (i.e., they must have at least two named women who talk to each other about something other than men) just as most women whose conversation topic list is limited to the bedroom habits of acquaintances, the failures and foibles of rivals, and the merits and shortcomings of men have me yawning in five seconds.

No, girls are not all sugar and spice. However, the stereotype of the catty, spiteful Mean Girl these days is nearly eclipsed by the shark tank of Fork-Tongued Mean Boys who have appropriated the formerly feminine realm of petty gossip. Of course, Gen Next males, in touch with their inner emo hipster who is much less demanding than their inner John Wayne, need more to discuss than golf, investing, and BBQ recipes, but it remains as true today as it was 500 years ago that while a little dish on men bounces neatly off of their Under Armor, a few well-chosen words can still quickly destroy a woman’s reputation. Maybe that’s because both genders are complicit in female skewering, while women tend to protect and mother men.

Discretion and privacy are gossip’s chief enemies, two crumbling, tattered cornerstones of civilization. Our descent into petty gossip, along with increasing hunger to not only tolerate but also execute Big Brother-like privacy intrusions, marks a startling backward shift in values. “The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men,” Ayn Rand wrote. However, gossiping elitist soccer moms are no better than savage Frito-munching droolers enraptured by a Maury paternity test-fest. Gossips set out, like savage hordes, to exile those deemed unfit by wont of zip code, lifestyle norms, or religion from their tribe of shopping, duck-lipped gum-flappers who replace substance with shock value.

And did you see who Kim was with at lunch the other day???