Today, my students wrote about beauty. They’d been reading John Donne’s elegies, several of which are satirical poems which form a literary antithesis to Shakespeare’s sonnets. They are, in fact, hilarious: “Such are the sweat drops of my mistres’ breast, and on her brow her skin such luster sets, they seeme no sweate drops, but pearl coronets…”

Sadly, Donne’s turn at satire was lost on most of my students. They reacted with disgust at the imagery of the seedy, sweating mistress, of course, but saw few connections to the modern world. Why anyone would write such a detailed honorarium to what they consider repulsive physicality was beyond them. Teenagers have been conditioned to equate beauty with Barbie: well-coifed, manicured, matching, sans sweat. This made me consider the beauty ideals we’ve come to expect from women in “The Barbie Era.” Are we regressing to medieval, punitive standards for beauty like foot binding, rib removal, and leg elongation? Here is my list of Barbie Era beauty trends that women should forego and men should discourage in an effort to bring humanity and equality into gender relations.

1. Claw nails. The ancient Samoans valued obesity in their women because the mountains of fat proved that she was from an upper caste family and did not perform physical labor. By marrying her, he would be assured of an easy existence. Likewise, long, bejeweled claws in the modern Barbie Era scream “I ain’t workin for no one” because I got my Obama phone, SNAP card, and Section 8. Be my baby daddy, and I got you.
2. Full body electrolysis. While grooming is important, permanent removal of one’s body hair is ill-advised. Barbie is plastic, but people are encased in skin, which has tiny, sensitive hair follicles. Post-electrolysis skin is often discolored, shows more faults than it eradicates, and makes the skin itself more tough as it works overtime to protect itself from the elements. Shave.
3. Hair extensions. Have you ever run your fingers through a scalp with extensions? Frightening and dangerous. Why any woman would purchase hair from India and call it her own is beyond me.
4. Tattoos and piercings. Barbies these days come with decals so that the kiddos can “tat her up.” Admittedly, I have no ink, and no holes in my skin. Some men are apparently like crows and need dangling, sparkly objects to hypnotize them into submission. Luckily, I’ve never come across these Crow Men.
5. Muffin Top/Camel Toe: Clothes Too Small. Barbie, with a waist cinched so tightly she’d asphyxiate if brought to human dimensions, encourages women to stuff themselves into garments so tight that their veins show in relief like river maps.

I hope that today’s young women throw Barbie ideals out the window and get real about physical beauty. I marvel at how often I am hit on at the grocery store after working out, sweaty and gleaming, hair a mess. Barbie followers will one day realize that pheromones attract men, and if plastic is his kink, the adult store downtown has a blowup doll which will fit the bill.