Among the high-profile news stories that caught my attention this week, the Duncan, Oklahoma execution of a young Aussie baseball player looms large, while a nutbag would-be school shooter came in a close second, followed by the Ontario case of a family who received a note urging them to euthanize their autistic son or move out of the neighborhood (missive above). My modest proposal outlined below covers all three in a most delicate, considered solution.

 In the first case, a trio of frighteningly hydrocephalic youths who were “bored” selected a random victim and shot him from their moving vehicle as he jogged. They were quickly apprehended, of course, as the entire crime was caught on video, the perps had facebooked vines of themselves wielding the weapon in question, and had made no secret of their intentions on social media. To put the felons on trial, feed, clothe, and house the useless triad will cost U.S. taxpayers millions and ensure their coveted slots in the Gangsta Hall of Fame which often overlaps with the Darwin Awards but with a different target demographic.

The second case involved a bipolar teen who slipped into a Georgia elementary school with a stolen gun. His testosterone level luckily wasn’t peaking that day, and he surrendered quietly without harming a soul. His spectacular entrée into the stingy mental health system now assured, this human time bomb will soon be roaming the red clay hillsides of rural George seeking out bigger game.

In the third eye-catching story, an Ontario family received a letter (pictured above) from fed-up neighbors urging them to euthanize their yowling autistic son. The family was outraged, of course, but despite the overuse of exclamation marks, the letter writer has a point. Canadians are often more willing to breach the false insulation of political correctness that misleads Americans into truly believing that they live in peaceful kum-ba-ya world. We might all pretend that the haunting yowl of an autistic child would be appreciated as sweet music if he were our neighbor, but in truth most of us would be chilled to the bone by these unrelenting bestial moans interrupting our DVR’d Big Brother marathon.

Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that we euthanize unwilling humans. However, doctor-assisted suicide is far more preferable than suicide by police. Ballot initiatives could be drafted conferring the legal right to euthanize themselves peacefully to those damaged, society-sucking few who self-identify as incorrigible.  First, instead of murdering or ruining the lives of others, the unfit among us would be performing a meritorious service that might be posthumously rewarded with a federal monument and perhaps even a tax break given to qualifying survivors. The qualification process should be quick and simple, not bogged down by saggy-diaper bureaucracy.  The 2Bor02B (thanks, Vonnegut) option could become one of the hallmarks of a truly democratic, liberal society which respects the needs of the many over the rights of a few. While some readers might take offense to my including the Ontario boy, they might be advised to examine the living hell into which he is forever sealed which spurs the plaintive wailing.

Until the ironclad Christian underpinnings crippling our legal system are modernized, we will continue to waste increasingly limited resources promoting ineffective preventative measures such as metal detectors at schools, body armored jogging suits, and sound-proofed ruckus rooms for low-functioning autistic folk. Instead, a hearty Kool-Ade toast to Ethical Suicide Parlors and a posthumous salute to Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and his pioneering ideas.