Nogales border crossing, Arizona/Mexico border

As a longtime Tucsonan, let me enumerate (or emunerate) five compelling reasons to head South, cross the border, and patronize our border city, Nogales, Sonora. Yes, little Timmy, the Nogales that’s in Mexico. One of the many reasons I chose Tucson as my permanent home is its proximity to Mexico, land of the mariachi and the maquiladora, the street taco and the cartel. In less than an hour, a scenic southbound drive takes the intrepid, passport-wielding border crosser into a land where soccer, bullfights, and novellas replace football, the Kardashians, and the latest dumbed-dreck from corporate media conglomerates. Not that novellas and Mexican game shows possess any merit other than unabashed sensationalism, but my point is that they’ve never pretended otherwise. Bill and Martha Snowbird, of course, cite cartel violence and unnamed fear for their failure to patronize the once-thriving border town, although blatant racism usually seals the deal. What could these diminutive, dark-eyed campesinos have to offer the cotton top crowd who is already flush with Hallmark tchotchkes? Here are a few compelling reasons to head south.

1. Drugs. While U.S. prescriptions are honored, Mexican pharmacies offer an array of life-improving pharmaceuticals at minimal cost, especially when one considers that a prescription, while welcome, is completely unnecessary. For those who trust their own instincts over a Pfizer-enslaved physician’s, Nogales is your go-to open air drug market. If you are dubious about declaring your drug of choice, simply hide it in an out-of-the-way crevasse on your return trip. Border agents don’t cavity search unless they possess a court order and a video of you engaged in, say, an armed robbery or terrorist act, in which case extending your southward journey would be more advisable.
2. Home Décor and Gifts. Mexican products such as Talavera pottery, native sculpture, kitsch art pieces, and handmade “Southwest” furniture can be had for the smallest fraction of the wholesale cost in your upscale Scottsdale furniture store. Negotiating price is a brain exercise worthy of Luminosity and teaches marketing skills. While you will be inspired by free blue agave tequila by every shill in the agora, remember that you are smuggling pharmaceuticals in that crevasse and your border demeanor does matter.
3. Duty-Free Shopping. Park your valuable ride on the American side, safely guarded and enclosed behind concertina wire, and shop at the duty-free stores lining the boulevard. Cigarettes at $25 a carton, perfume, booze, and other sin-taxed-to-the-maxed items on the Puritan watch list are available here at a cost approaching their true value. Heck, resell them to your friends and make your border outlaw fortune simply by hiring a few curriers to carry your swag.
4. Cuisine. Nogales is home to some top-notch restaurants. You won’t die of e-coli, cholera, or diphtheria by enjoying a fine meal in a Nogales restaurant. Avoid ice, and tell your friends that you ate authentic Mexican food that wasn’t  blanded down to please stingy gringo tastebuds. The mariachis that prey on tourist largesse are harmless and won’t wait for you in the parking lot if you say “No canciones.”
5. Culture. Head to the graveyards on Dia de Los Muertos, enjoy a Mexican street parade, check out the Iglesias, and listen to the music. You won’t be gut shot by a passing cartel who mistook you for his arch rival in a battle over territory. While cartel violence is real, it really, really doesn’t involve turistas. In fact, you will be safer in Nogales than in most thug-choked American cities.

In the end, most Arizonans live in fear of that alien land south of the checkpoint. American media has effectively scared off southbound tourism in its effort to keep American dollars north of the border. Mexico is unsanitary, violent, and corrupt, no place for retirees from Michigan. And if you believe this, I have a $200 piece of Talavera pottery which might look stunning in your formal dining room.